Sometimes in that point of time, you would think to yourself, "What have I done? Why was I so silly? What should I do now? ):" But sadly, you would be the only one to choose. That's a really heavy burden. I hate choosing.

The past few days have gone by too fast, everything seemed so surreal. Like it wasn't possible for it to happen. I didn't expect for anything to happen. It couldn't have. But it did anyway.

I wished I stopped myself somewhere, I wished I had said so earlier. I wish I could have expressed myself better earlier. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I really didn't mean to. If I did, I felt like I was a bad girl. But I'm a good girl. I was in such a dilemma. I hated it.

I don't know whether what I did was right, but I just had that inner feeling in me that I knew it myself that I wasn't ready at all. I never was, and I don't think I will ever be. Even though I had always thought that it would be nice and it was definitely nice to have someone caring for you and understanding you. But that was all just my imaginations. Inside, I still really think that things like that should be considered "EWWWW!". I think I still haven't grow up. But I shouldn't be selfish, I knew I had a choice to make, a very important one.

It was definitely a hard choice to make, it's like asking a 5 year-old child to make a life changing decision. Most likely the child would choose all her candy and toys. (: I don't belong to the "grown up world", even though at my age I should be acting like one. But I think that's how I really am, maybe that's why I can't express properly. I haven't developed it yet just like how a child haven't learned to walk yet. It's the same I suppose.

I hadn't felt comfortable even though I had imagined so much in my head. I didn't know it was so different. Already my daddy hugging me made me feel uncomfortable, I would avoid him, hide under my blanket and "scream" EWWWW! (I'm not kidding.)

I think maybe I'm not meant to be with guys. I don't like the tag of being with someone. I can't be myself anymore. It's so different. Even though the people stay the same, the "titles" had changed. The feeling is restrained.

My mummy always said that God will show you the right guy one day. Maybe I had asked God (just maybe) by thinking too much, and God showed me "my plan" and not "His plan". I don't intend to go about just yet into anything, and it's not so easy so as to say both parties go their own way. I feel that this kind of thing is really serious and it can't be taken so lightly. It's a commitment I know and this kind of commitment is almost the same as a marriage. But I definitely know I can't keep a commitment. It's just not me at all. But that's not saying that I'm not trust-worthy and a person who doesn't keep my promises. I do.

I don't know how you feel about this, maybe hurt and sad or angry. I could feel it all. I don't know if you realised it since you could understand me so well in such a short period of time. I can feel people's feeling, you might not tell me but I can feel. You might have told me that you weren't hurt, I knew you were lying. I felt worse because even though I knew how you felt and knew what you wanted to comfort you, I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to make the situation worse.

I really don't know how you would take this, even though you might have claimed that we can always be friends. Even if you might consider me your casual friend now, I still feel bad that I had wasted your time. I still feel like I'm in the wrong. I can't believed I had hurt someone. I'm a bad girl. I wished that you hadn't known me, I'm not so great at all. I feel bad destroying someone's hopes. SHUCKS.

And whatever person you might have thought me to be through my writing, I might not have been so in real. What I write is my thoughts, and the fact is, I don't say my thoughts. I might close myself up to others but that's who I am. I don't need many friends who will be lost on the way, I just need one that would be with me forever. (VIVIAN! :D) Even though I hate to be lonely, I like being alone. It's really ironic but it's true anyway.

I hope you will read this. I'm sorry, I really am. And thank you for understanding me. (: I can always be there when you need a listening ear, I'm better at doing the listening, rather the talking. (: