you don't want to read this, trust me.
i feel like i'm getting weaker. it's hard to concentrate. it's like my eyes are looking at something but my mind's far away. i feel horrible. i actually feel like i'm dying inside. maybe one day i would if this continues. but i can't do anything. it's just a vicious cycle. can't fall asleep easily + don't really sleep = "not sleeping" at all"not sleeping" at all = tired and fatigue the next dayfatigue + can't fall asleep easily+ don't really sleep = "not sleeping" at all"not sleeping" at all = even more tired and fatigue (because of previous night/day)even more fatigue + can't fall asleep easily + don't really sleep = "not sleeping" at allahhh, you get the point there. i can't do anything about it. i'm scared i might go into depression. i cry at night. it's the worst feeling not being able to sleep. but nobody knows, nobody knows. even if they do, what can they do about it? i really wish that i can go into a drug-induced coma. i really envy those coma patients. i really envy ye-ye (granddaddy). i really do. i feel really guilty that my parents have to actually spend lots of money on me, or rather, my medical bills. other than the doctors' appointments, medicine (which can be quite expensive too), and other miscellaneous stuff, i already had gone through 2 scopes, 2 MRIs, and one more MRI to come. and these ain't cheap. especially the first (or was it both, idk.) scope(s) because i was seeing the doctor in the private clinic. (which means A class, aka full price of the scope.) and i think it was $1000+ or so, and when the gastrologist (?) had wanted to do another scope, i actually cried. so a reason why sometimes i don't really ask my parents for things. i can wish for things but it will only happen in my imagination. (and yes i have an undeniably big one.) even if i tell them what i want, i don't expect to get it. (maybe 8 years+ like my ds.) i don't like to tell my parents how i feel because i don't want them to worry too much. (maybe only just mummy would.) it sucks. i know this sounds emo-y but i've got to let it out somehow. even if i have written this down, i still feel so...if you had read this, thanks for reading all the way through. don't need to worry about me or anything, i'm just penning down my thoughts. don't need to ask me or talk to me about whatever i've written here. because i might just break down. (i'm overly sensitive seriously.) this is just a secret between you and i. shhhh... loves <3
Thursday, December 17, 2009 ♥ 8:32 PM
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